11 Things To Never Say To A Fallout 3 Fan

Are you in a rush or something? How about you relax and enjoy being born and growing up in a vault, okay?

It’s actually a really neat way of introducing the concept of Fallout’s vaults to people who might not be familiar with the franchise—which was most people when Fallout 3 launched. And hey, just save right before you enter the open world. You know, when the game lets you change everything one last time. Then start every new game from there, like most Fallout 3 fans.

Hey now, come on. Sure, a lot of Fallout 3 quests amount to “go here, chat, kill, grab, return” but there are plenty of other memorable quests in the game. Tenpenny Tower and the ghouls, the Survival Guide sidequest, and uh…oh that one quest where you can burn a tree-man-mutant to death. That was certainly memorable!

Oh, wait, what about that awesome side quest where you help ghouls go to space to escape the planet? Shit, that was in New Vegas. Oh actually, I loved that quest with cannibals in the casino…oh wait. That was also New Vegas. Okay, let’s move on.

Sure, you might want NPC companions to be interesting, spouting plenty of cool dialogue, and possessing memorable backgrounds that help you better connect with them. But what if they didn’t have that stuff? You might say that’s bad. That these NPCs are bland. I’d argue they help you focus on the world of Fallout 3 instead of getting distracted by good writing or fun character quirks. So thanks..uh…fuck, I forgot their names, but thanks nonetheless Fallout 3 companions.

…okay fair. I got nothing for that one.

Do you like smashing hammers on your fingers? Do you like eating broken glass? If so, you are clearly a masochist, and the pain you’ll endure suffering through the poorly optimized and super buggy PS3 version of Fallout 3 will be a great experience for you. I’m happy you’re happy, truly! For everyone else: Buy Fallout 3 on PC and get some mods.

Oh, I’m so sorry the post-apocalyptic nuclear hellscape that is the “Captial Wasteland” of Fallout 3 isn’t more colorful or pretty enough for you. I’m sorry that after that millions of people died and human civilization was vaporized—and while survivors live in a constant state of fear and starvation—you have to look at some brown textures and green-tinted buildings.

How about this: Instead of complaining about Fallout 3’s drab environments and dreary landscape, you embrace it and become immersed in the dead world Bethesda has crafted.

Hey, welcome to 2024. We have had DLC for years now that retconned the last main quest’s sacrifice decision and got around that stupid—I mean, completely understandable and well-written—ending where your companions who aren’t phased by radiation tell you to fuck off and die.

You’re annoying.

Uh…wait… what? *Boots up Fallout 3 and plays for 12 hours*

Huh…holy shit, I never noticed that. Yeah, that’s weird. Okay. I mean the game is still good and you’re wrong for pointing out any flaws, but I’ll admit it’s weird. Happy?

Oh yeah, I’m so excited to play through New Vegas and its giant, empty, boring desert filled with annoying enemies, bugs, and repeated dialogue. No, thanks! I’ll take my boring green subways instead.

I didn’t realize I was talking to someone who hated Alaska! Wow. That’s a bad look. Also, come on, Mothership Zeta was fun, too. Don’t be so mean. Okay. I’m a Fallout 3 fan. Life’s rough enough for me most days.